If you feel that you need to always (or never) be with someone, you feel attracted to people in conflict or you perceive that there are aspects that are repeated in your relationships, you will be interested in delving deeper into attachment styles to discover which aspects are mobilized in you. when it comes to relating.
Attachment is the way that people perceive and manage intimacy, and it not only applies to romantic relationships, it is also present in friendship and family relationships, and is the basis of:
The way to react to conflicts.
The expectations you have about couples and other relationships.
Your attitude towards sexual relations.
And... what attachment styles are there?
Secure attachment is based on trust and security in yourself and the other person, understanding silences, spaces and absences as something "normal" that does not pose any threat, as well as closeness and intimacy. It consists of being safe and trusting that the bond you have is solid, which allows you and the other person to explore individually in parallel with your relationship (that is, each of you can make plans with your friends and not necessarily always go together to everything, or have different tastes or hobbies that demand time alone). On the other hand, insecure attachment, as its name indicates, is not secure with that bond, since defenses that were built on the basis of its first relationships are activated. If it is an anxious attachment, they constantly long for and seek intimacy, tend to become obsessed with their relationships and tend to doubt/distrust their partner's actions (jealousy) and interpret that the other person "does not love them." On the other hand, the avoidant attachment does not feel comfortable with closeness and intimacy, because it perceives it as a lack of independence and constantly strives to avoid closeness.
How are these attachment styles related?
There are all kinds of combinations. However, within unhealthy relationships, the anxious-avoidant combination is common. But... how can they maintain a relationship if they are so opposite? Well, precisely because each one feeds the other's insecurities. The anxious person focuses on checking where the other person is, if they answer their calls or WhatsApp, or if they are showing enough affection (because the avoidant person puts distance and the threat "he's going to leave me" is activated). The avoidant, on the other hand, puts more distance in the face of so much demand for attention, because he/she feels overwhelmed. Therefore, they enter a "vicious circle" in which no one feels their needs are met.
So... if attachment is formed based on early experiences, can I change it?
Of course! In fact, your attachment style may even change without you wanting to, due to experiences throughout your life. However, I recommend that you orient yourself in the direction of secure attachment, that you reevaluate what your relationships have been like and how you want them to be in the future.
Would you consider making any changes?
Psychological intervention with a focus on attachment yields very favorable results by making people aware of their reactions and modifying dysfunctional patterns.
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